I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Shame - the story of my life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
