I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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