Say something about gay babies.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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