I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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