Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
