I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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