There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
