I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
