i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
