My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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