he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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