NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
