My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
