I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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