Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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