Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
