just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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