You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
