dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
