a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
