I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
