I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
