Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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