I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need a burrito and a hug.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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