i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
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