I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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