I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
bring money and cleavage
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
