Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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