4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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