Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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