just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
