I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
