my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
