Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
