I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
