Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
