I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
