I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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