Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
