i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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