life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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