i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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