its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
