I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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