did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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