I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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