this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
