are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
