No stitches, just platelets and will power
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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