So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
