I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
