I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
