And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
