all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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