I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
