i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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