i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
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While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
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When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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