that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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