Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
